I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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