I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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