You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
