Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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