I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
