hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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