yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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