I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
