my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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