I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
