I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
