she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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