It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
