Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
