Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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