You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
