My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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