you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
