I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
