Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
