Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
