you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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