Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
