Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize