You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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