No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I supernannyed him into submission
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
