I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my phone needs a breathalizer
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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