U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
