Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i now understand why vodka
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
