Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
