you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
