you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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