Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
