I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
