it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize