so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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