i was born a porn star she said
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
