if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
