i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
