it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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