His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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