I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
