Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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