My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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