My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize