Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
