I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
