onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
