btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
