I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
