Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
