My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
