I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
