I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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