Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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