pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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