I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
COCAINE IS GR8
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize