Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Randomize
