I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
this hospital has no fireball
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
